the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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