Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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