I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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