dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
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When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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