Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
