so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
