so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
