i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
