i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
