are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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