Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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