I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
