The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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