I hate all girls vehemently.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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