Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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