I wish my penis had an off switch
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
