Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
