I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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