You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
