respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
