Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
