how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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