Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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