Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i love accidental penises.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
