Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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