I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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