Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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