see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
