This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
