home. puking in laundry basket.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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