Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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