rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
