my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
