so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
