I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
