I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
