I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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