I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
