Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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