that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
