I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
