I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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