Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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