It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
