There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
