I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes