I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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