I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
