my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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