I bet he comes in French.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
