two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
