you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
