dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
