i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
