ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
