i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
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I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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