Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
